How to go from conflict to connection for the holidays

Yana McGuire

Staff Writer

Tensions between Americans are as thick as buttermilk after the recent emotionally charged presidential election. Because of this, one may be concerned about how peaceful this year’s holiday dinner will be. 

As we enter the holiday season, remember that we must be the change we want to see. According to WCC intercommunication experts, the following tips will help you bring peace to the dinner table.

Mentally prepare yourself

Take a moment to weigh the value of the relationship with the person you have a conflict with. According to Claire Sparklin, a WCC communication instructor, a good place to start is using a communication theory called The Social Exchange. In this theory, one looks at the benefits of interacting with the person and subtracts the costs to equal the value of the relationship. 

“Reinforcing the value of the relationship and the love that you have with your family is so critical to connecting on a human level,” Sparklin said. 

Once the relationship value is determined, you can decide whether it is worth having that difficult conversation.  

Consider someone’s state of mind during your interaction with them. Are they going through a tough time lately? This will influence how they engage in conversation, so plan accordingly. 

Myron Covington II, a WCC communication instructor, states that, according to data from the intercommunication textbook he teaches with, one out of four people are chronically angry. 

“If we can come in [to a discussion] with an open mind, knowing that if we fuel anger with anger, we’re going to miss the opportunity to get along with the people we disagree with,” Covington said.

Setting boundaries

Have you decided that the conversation is not worth having? Set clear boundaries on the topic of conversations. If you or your household is hosting the gathering, send a group chat explaining your boundaries and asking everyone to abide by them. 

Do not exclude the person you have issues with. Allow them to decide whether the boundaries you set suit them. If you are not hosting, contact the host and ask if boundaries can be set. 

Active listening

And so, it begins. Great Aunt Matilda has mentioned the dreaded topic. Here is the chance to use your emotional intelligence with active listening techniques. Go beyond listening just to respond. Listen to seek an understanding behind the words they speak actively. When you understand their views better, you can find ways to introduce yours. People are more open to considering other opinions when they feel heard. 

Respond gracefully

Find something to relate to in their story. Acknowledge their frustrations, then introduce your views respectfully. This creates an atmosphere of understanding without agreement. 

Remember that we cannot change anyone’s beliefs. However, you can set the goal of understanding rather than showing that you think their opinion is wrong.

If all else fails, remove yourself

If you feel like the conversation is not progressing and your mental health is at risk, remove yourself from the conversation. Gracefully bow out by excusing yourself to do homework or to make a phone call. 

A peaceful holiday will be a group effort. However, sometimes, all it takes is one person to lead by example and show that love outweighs all political views.

“You made an effort to drive to that family gathering or to cook, so follow through with that effort and be there for family bonding,” Sparklin said. 

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