OPINION

SATIRE: Student plans to build flying car

Washtenaw Voice Files

By Aina Zaidi
Contributor

Washtenaw Community College graduating student Will Brooks, 19, was far too excited at his admission into his dream school, Harvard University, and decided that summer would be the best time to finally get a chance to hone his extracurricular skills, especially after reading that colleges could take take back their offer of admission.

Will’s rare problem stemmed from doing the bare minimum for his Ivy League admission. While he has excellent test scores and a 4.0 GPA, he participated in almost no extracurriculars besides Ultimate Frisbee, (which he played for a single day at WCC).

Furthermore, most of his 100 volunteer hours were an accumulation of his chores—such as mowing his lawn, taking out the trash and cleaning his room—labeled as a “community clean-up” on his volunteer hours sheet.

One of Will’s neighbors, Betsy Martinez, was ecstatic at his admission into Harvard, although she admitted to The Washtenaw Voice that it was something short of a miracle—not for Will, whom she said is “incredibly smart, has a lot of potential, although he could use it better”—but a miracle for her, who will no longer have to deal with the sounds of his weekly 3 a.m. mental breakdowns.

When asked about his summer plans, Will produced a long list from his backpack. The list was so long that it blocked the path of several students making their way into Bailey Library and caused a stampede as students tried to avoid it as they hurried to get to Dog Therapy before the dogs left during finals week.

The situation got so bad that school was closed the following Monday, making it the 98th school closing on a Monday or Wednesday this year. Most students were happy about this news, except for those injured because of Will’s list.

After the clean-up, Will was found trying to desperately wrap up his list.

Our interview with him was transcribed as the following:

WILL: Whew. That was a travesty.

US: It sure was, tons of people tripped over that paper. It was like a banana peel in Mario Kart.

WILL, having never played Mario

Kart: Uh, yeah, definitely. No, I’m talking about how it’s a travesty I won’t get any volunteer hours for helping clean that up; Public Safety pretty much took care of the whole thing.

US: So, what are some of your plans for the summer?

WILL: I’m going to have to check the list again-

US: NO! Off the top of your head. Anything.

WILL: Uh, well, I definitely want to invent something cool, something Harvard will like. I thought the hardest part was going to be getting in, but now it’s staying in.

US: What do you plan on inventing?

WILL: I’m thinking something along the lines of a flying car. It’s been way too long and no one has done it. I think that’s a sign that I’m the one they’re waiting for. Plus, the traffic is the worst on the roads.

US: Cool, cool. How do you plan on accomplishing something so big?

WILL: Uh, my dad’s a mechanic, and my mom’s in graphic design, so I’ve picked up a thing or two from each of them. The main flaw I found in other people’s plans was that they want flying cars to be commercialized, but that definitely defeats the purpose of beating the traffic. I’m just going to make one, and it’ll be for me.

US: What inspirational words do you have for the youth of WCC?

WILL: Where there’s a Will, there’s a way. (He paused.) Get it? Since my name is Will?

US: Have you waited your whole life for someone to ask you that?

WILL: Yes.

US: This plan overall sounds great, Will—definitely something you can accomplish over the course of one summer.

WILL: Harvard will like it, and that’s all that matters.