Graphic by Varden Sargsyan
Lilly Kujawski
Editor
Nicholas Ketchum
Deputy Editor
After months of reporting the news as-is, we thought it’d be fun to dream up some of the news that we wish we could report, but likely won’t. Here are some of the headlines—and stories—that we feel would shake the status-quo. Although the following is intended as tongue-in-cheek, perhaps you’ll find a shred of honest sentiment here as well.
‘We’re alive and well,’ says source
GLOBAL
Things are going well for people and the planet, according to a survey from Official Surveyors.
“Everyone is generally very happy and healthy and nothing terrible is going on in the world,” said a representative from The Research Facility.
According to projections of future trends, we can expect good things to keep happening. Experts are unsure what prompted the sudden rise in positive occurrences, but urge citizens to enjoy it.
“We’re alive and well,” said Human Person, a local community member. “My family is doing great, the community is thriving, the planet is prospering. Everything is just fine here.”
Fake news eradicated
WASHINGTON
After recent passing of the “End Fake News Act”, the presence of false and poorly written journalism has decreased by nearly 97 percent, according to a report from Fact Checkers United.
“It’s great to pick up a newspaper and trust that the information is accurate and know it was published for the good of the people,” said Source One, an avid news reader.
The remaining 3 percent of supposed “fake news” has been identified as Buzzfeed Quizzes and The Onion articles, which will remain in circulation due to a special clause in the bill that attributes comedic, satirical and entertainment-based value to such articles.
The “End Fake News Act” was first introduced to Congress in May of 2017, according to Official Reports.
“It took a lot of hard work, but I’m proud to say we, as a country, have preserved journalistic integrity while upholding our constitutional right to free press,” said Source Two, a member of the Committee For Good Journalism.
Ann Arbor NIMBYs lose
ANN ARBOR, MI.
The local zoning board finally relented and disbanded after an angry mass of displaced residents assembled, surrounding the building before the board’s regularly scheduled public meeting.
At one point the demonstrators were heard to chant “build it and we will go,” in a clever inversion of a similar and well-known phrase.
After disbanding, one zoning board member commented they were “pleased to have found a resolution to the matter.”
Nestle dissolves; water, profits go to Flint
FLINT, MI.
Former water bottling company Nestle has donated all previously mined water, its entire revenue and the corporation itself to the people of Flint.
“You know, I still don’t think water should be considered a human right, I mean that’s a bit extreme, right?” said Corporate Stooge, a representative from Nestle. “But, you know, we don’t want people to die and stuff, and it is basically terrible and unethical to steal drinking water from people and sell it back to them in plastic that is destroying the earth.”
Nestle’s estimated net worth in the high billions could provide essential medical care for Flint residents who are suffering from the effects of lead poisoning.
“We’re gonna get all the best medical treatments out there for these kids, that’s top of the list,” said Human Person, a Flint resident. “And then, we’re going to buy out the government and ensure nothing like this ever happens again.”
Watchdog groups track and spy on social media tycoons
NEW YORK
In a move that turns the tables on social media magnets, several watchdog groups have joined to launch a new real-time system that tracks and spies major personalities within the social media world, including Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook, Steve Huffman of Reddit, Sundar Pichai of Google, and Jeff Zucker of CNN. (CNN is not normally considered “social media”, but Jeff Zucker might like it to be.)
Apparently, social media companies responded with a series of targeted news releases, which according to unofficial reports were customized by AI to reach groups of “sensitive” demographics matching key indicators derived from “user engagement metrics.”
Trump, “bored” with politics, opens taco truck
WASHINGTON
Formerly President Donald Trump has resigned as of today, claiming he has become “bored” with politics.
As for his next move? Trump declared in a public address he is planning to move to a small Texas city where he will open a taco truck.
“Really, they are really great. With the chicken and the little diced onion and the tortilla, has to be homemade, you know. Really great. Don’t know why I never tried them before,” Trump said, in reference to tacos, which he spent the sum of the 30-minute address describing. “I blame crooked Hillary and the angry dems for their leftist seize of tacos.”