Revealed: WCC trustees are dwarfs

By NATALIE WRIGHT
Editor

Last week, a Voice reporter ventured to the law office of Washtenaw Community College trustee Richard Landau, hoping to learn a bit more about who he is outside the boardroom – but she discovered more about the trustee than expected.

As the reporter approached Landau’s office, a mysterious high-pitched sound emanated through the door. When she knocked, the noise abruptly ceased. While Landau declined to comment on the sound, the reporter knew what she had heard – the trustee was whistling while he worked.

This was the first in a string of bizarre clues that point to one of WCC’s most guarded secrets – the board of trustees is made up entirely of dwarfs.

Since October, the Voice has conducted several phone interviews with trustee Dave DeVarti. Nearly every time, construction noises can be heard in the background. DeVarti dodged questions with practiced grace. He was working on a “construction project,” he said, with no further explanation.

But after Landau’s whistling was exposed, people became suspicious of the rest of the trustees, and the Voice decided to dig a little deeper into DeVarti’s free time activities.

Upon careful inspection of DeVarti’s construction site, it is apparent that he is actually digging a mine for the harvesting of unknown jewels.

When asked about the mine, DeVarti was unwilling to cave.

“There is no mine. I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said, becoming increasingly enraged. “I wouldn’t even know how to mine a jewel.”

But the dirt spattered across his clothing and caked onto his fingernails betrayed him, and upon leaving the trustee’s house, a reporter spotted a collection of seven picks and seven shovels leaning against DeVarti’s garage wall.

And as the reporter pulled out of DeVarti’s driveway, the trustee strolled down the sidewalk, unaware he could still be heard, singing “Hi-ho, hi-ho, they won’t ever know.”

As more information came to light about the trustees’ strange activities, an employee of Ann Arbor’s YMCA came forward to reveal more solid evidence.

The employee, who asked to remain anonymous for fear he may lose his job, said that trustee Pam Horizsny is furthering the board’s dwarf agenda through her job as YMCA Chief Financial Officer.

For years, the YMCA has been teaching a course in choreographed marching and shovel swinging, the employee said.

“I thought it was weird that the class was only taught in the middle of the night, and was not publicized with our other offerings, and I thought it was a weird idea for a class in general.” the employee said. “So one night I decided to check it out.”

The same seven attendees show up every week, the employee said. And upon seeing the trustees’ headshots, the employee confirmed that they were the attendees.

Documents shared with the Voice by the employee reveal that the course was put in place following direct orders from Horizsny.

“Usually the CFO does not create classes,” the employee said. “I’m not sure what strings she pulled to make this happen. Do dwarfs have supernatural powers? Do they know mind control?”

Dwarfs do not, in fact, have any powers besides an innate skill in mining. So, why should anyone care about the trustees’ dwarfishness?

Previously concealed documents reveal the true story of how President Rose Bellanca came to work at WCC. The documents, created during the hiring process were leaked by a WCC employee, who, asking to remain anonymous, gave one reason for leaking them.

“It’s time the people know the truth about who is running this college,” the source said.

The documents show that while the trustees were struggling to find a viable candidate for the college’s presidency, they literally stumbled upon Bellanca.

The trustees had spent the day off campus – claiming they were attending a conference, though it is now suspected they were mining for jewels. They returned to WCC’s campus, intending to gather briefly in ML 150 – the boardroom. Upon their arrival they saw a woman sleeping, sprawled out across their chairs.

They woke the woman, who, in her half-asleep state, muttered something about an evil queen chasing her.

“I hope everything is spic and span,” the woman said as she came to. “Maybe I can stay with you?”

It was then that the trustees noticed how the ML building sparkled and smelled of lemons, and that there was a hot dinner on the table, awaiting their arrival.

The trustees decided they would let her stay.

The leaked documents also show that Bellanca’s qualifications, as listed by the trustees include: “An uncanny ability to harness the power of the forest,” and “the fairest of them all.”

April Fools’!

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